Last time we discussed the factors that lead to conflict. Today I want to suggest a few techniques to help resolve conflict.
Active Listening
Active listening is a valuable skill for resolving conflicts because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what another person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.
Active listening is a way of checking whether your understanding is correct. It also demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned. These all help resolve a situation where there are conflicting points of view.
Active listening responses have two components:
(1) naming the feeling that the other person is conveying, and (2) stating the reason for the feeling.
Here are some examples of active-listening statements:
“Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.”
“You’re annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?”
“You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.”
“It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe’s paperwork.”
“Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.”
“I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.”
Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another’s point of view.
Benefits of Active Listening
If a person uses active listening as part of his or her communication style, it has a positive effect on dealing with conflicts when they arise. This is because of the following benefits:
1. It feels good when another person makes an effort to understand what you are thinking and feeling. It creates good feelings about the other person and makes you feel better about yourself.
2. Restating what you’ve heard and checking for understanding promotes better communication and produces fewer misunderstandings.
3. Responding with active listening has a calming effect in an emotional situation.
General Tips for Managing Conflict
1. Stick with “I” statements; avoid “you” statements.
2. Avoid name-calling and put-downs (“A reasonable person could see that...”).
3. Soften your tone.
4. Take a time-out (“Let’s take a break and cool down”).
5. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view (agreement is not necessary).
6. Avoid defensive or hostile body language (rolling eyes, crossing arms in front of body, tapping foot).
7. Be specific and factual; avoid generalities.
Preventing Conflicts
Now that we’ve talked about how to resolve a conflict, let’s look at how to prevent conflicts from happening. Think of situations in your life where there don’t seem to be many conflicts. What might be happening there? Chances are, you are practicing one of the following conflict-prevention skills:
1. Bring issues out in the open before they become problems.
2. Be aware of triggers and respond to them when you notice them.
3. Have a process for resolving conflicts. Discuss the process with those around you and get agreement on what people should do in cases of differing viewpoints.
God has called all men to peace. Let's do our best to be peace makers and dealing with our conflicts in a healthy manner.
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Monday, October 08, 2007
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Resolving Conflict in Relationships (Part One)
Do you know anyone in a relationship that claims to have no conflict? I used to tell people that when Dana and I were married our first year we did not argue at all. As time passed I realized that we did not argue because we were avoiding conflict and not resolving it at all. Every relationship has conflicts. In some relationships, conflict is a serious problem; in others, differences seem to be resolved without creating a major incident.
In this blog I want to discuss the factors that lead to conflict.
Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen in your daily life. These are typical:
1. Disagreements over who should do what
2. Disagreements over how things should be done
3. Conflicts of personality and style
Nonproductive Ways of Dealing with Conflict
Now that we’ve identified some typical situations where conflict arises in your everyday lives, let’s look at some examples of ways that people deal with them. These are the common ones:
1. Avoid the conflict.
2. Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away.
3. Change the subject.
4. React emotionally: Become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening.
5. Find someone to blame.
6. Make excuses.
7. Let someone else deal with it.
All of these responses to conflict have one thing in common: They are all nonproductive. All of them are destructive, some physically. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important.
Factors That Affect How People Manage Conflict
The skills involved in managing conflict are learned behaviors. None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion, arguments, or turf wars. Some of the factors that affect how we behave in the face of conflict are:
1. Behavior learned in families. In some families, conflict and confrontation are a communication style. In others, conflict always remains hidden.
2. Behavior learned from role models. People who have had a teacher or boss who modeled effective conflict resolution skills are more likely to develop these skills themselves.
3. Status. People in higher-status positions usually feel freer to engage in conflict and are less likely to avoid confrontation.
4. Unwritten rules. Some groups encourage conflict; others have unwritten rules that it is to be contained or avoided.
5. Gender differences. Males are generally encouraged to be more confrontational than females.
You can decide on your own where and if you fit into that picture above. The problem is that we as Christians have a higher caller than just simply tolerating each other. We are to be loving, kind, and live in peace. In my next blog I want to discuss some general ways that we can deal with conflict in a healthy Christlike manner.
In this blog I want to discuss the factors that lead to conflict.
Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen in your daily life. These are typical:
1. Disagreements over who should do what
2. Disagreements over how things should be done
3. Conflicts of personality and style
Nonproductive Ways of Dealing with Conflict
Now that we’ve identified some typical situations where conflict arises in your everyday lives, let’s look at some examples of ways that people deal with them. These are the common ones:
1. Avoid the conflict.
2. Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away.
3. Change the subject.
4. React emotionally: Become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening.
5. Find someone to blame.
6. Make excuses.
7. Let someone else deal with it.
All of these responses to conflict have one thing in common: They are all nonproductive. All of them are destructive, some physically. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important.
Factors That Affect How People Manage Conflict
The skills involved in managing conflict are learned behaviors. None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion, arguments, or turf wars. Some of the factors that affect how we behave in the face of conflict are:
1. Behavior learned in families. In some families, conflict and confrontation are a communication style. In others, conflict always remains hidden.
2. Behavior learned from role models. People who have had a teacher or boss who modeled effective conflict resolution skills are more likely to develop these skills themselves.
3. Status. People in higher-status positions usually feel freer to engage in conflict and are less likely to avoid confrontation.
4. Unwritten rules. Some groups encourage conflict; others have unwritten rules that it is to be contained or avoided.
5. Gender differences. Males are generally encouraged to be more confrontational than females.
You can decide on your own where and if you fit into that picture above. The problem is that we as Christians have a higher caller than just simply tolerating each other. We are to be loving, kind, and live in peace. In my next blog I want to discuss some general ways that we can deal with conflict in a healthy Christlike manner.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Dealing with Anxiety (Part 2)
In my last post I discussed the different types of anxiety disorders and common panic symptoms. Today I would like to cover some treatment options for people who deal with anxiety.
Treatment Options
Most people who suffer from anxiety disorders begin to feel better when they receive the proper treatment. It can be difficult to identify the correct treatment, however, because each person’s anxiety is caused by a unique set of factors. It can be frustrating for the client when treatment is not immediately successful or takes longer than hoped for. Some clients feel better after a few weeks or months of treatment, while others may need a year or more. If a person has an anxiety disorder in combination with another disorder (such as alcoholism and depression), treatment is more complicated and takes longer.
While a treatment plan must be specifically designed for each individual, there are a number of standard approaches. Mental health professionals who specialize in treating anxiety most often use a combination of the following treatments. There is no single correct approach.
Cognitive Therapy
The client learns how to identify and change unproductive thought patterns by observing his or her feelings and learning to separate realistic from unrealistic thoughts.
Behavior Therapy
This treatment helps the client alter and control unwanted behavior. Systematic desensitization, a type of behavior therapy, is often used to help people with phobias and OCD. The client is exposed to anxiety-producing stimuli one small step at a time, gradually increasing his or her tolerance to situations that have produced disabling anxiety.
Relaxation Training
Many people with anxiety disorders benefit from self-hypnosis, guided visualization, and biofeedback. Relaxation training is often part of psychotherapy.
Medication
Antidepressant and antianxiety medications can help restore chemical imbalances that cause symptoms of anxiety. This is an effective treatment for many people, especially in combination with psychotherapy.
The treatment for an anxiety disorder depends on the severity and length of the problem. The client’s willingness to actively participate in treatment is also an important factor. When a person with panic is motivated to try new behaviors and practice new skills and techniques, he or she can learn to change the way the brain responds to familiar thoughts and feelings that have previously caused anxiety.
I hope these posts have given a little insight on anxiety and provided some information that will help your life to become healthier.
Treatment Options
Most people who suffer from anxiety disorders begin to feel better when they receive the proper treatment. It can be difficult to identify the correct treatment, however, because each person’s anxiety is caused by a unique set of factors. It can be frustrating for the client when treatment is not immediately successful or takes longer than hoped for. Some clients feel better after a few weeks or months of treatment, while others may need a year or more. If a person has an anxiety disorder in combination with another disorder (such as alcoholism and depression), treatment is more complicated and takes longer.
While a treatment plan must be specifically designed for each individual, there are a number of standard approaches. Mental health professionals who specialize in treating anxiety most often use a combination of the following treatments. There is no single correct approach.
Cognitive Therapy
The client learns how to identify and change unproductive thought patterns by observing his or her feelings and learning to separate realistic from unrealistic thoughts.
Behavior Therapy
This treatment helps the client alter and control unwanted behavior. Systematic desensitization, a type of behavior therapy, is often used to help people with phobias and OCD. The client is exposed to anxiety-producing stimuli one small step at a time, gradually increasing his or her tolerance to situations that have produced disabling anxiety.
Relaxation Training
Many people with anxiety disorders benefit from self-hypnosis, guided visualization, and biofeedback. Relaxation training is often part of psychotherapy.
Medication
Antidepressant and antianxiety medications can help restore chemical imbalances that cause symptoms of anxiety. This is an effective treatment for many people, especially in combination with psychotherapy.
The treatment for an anxiety disorder depends on the severity and length of the problem. The client’s willingness to actively participate in treatment is also an important factor. When a person with panic is motivated to try new behaviors and practice new skills and techniques, he or she can learn to change the way the brain responds to familiar thoughts and feelings that have previously caused anxiety.
I hope these posts have given a little insight on anxiety and provided some information that will help your life to become healthier.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Dealing with Anxiety (Part 1)
It has been some time since I have done a mental health related blog so I felt it was time to revisit this area. I am beginning a two part series that will discuss anxiety disorders and the treatment of them.
Every human feels anxiety on occasion; it is a part of life. All of us know what it is like to feel worry, nervousness, fear, and concern. We feel nervous when we have to give a speech, go for a job interview, or walk into our boss’s office for the annual performance appraisal. We know it’s normal to feel a surge of fear when we unexpectedly see a photo of a snake or look down from the top of a tall building. Most of us manage these kinds of anxious feelings fairly well and are able to carry on with our lives without much difficulty. These feelings don’t disrupt our lives.
But millions of people (an estimated 15% of the population) suffer from devastating and constant anxiety that severely affects their lives, sometimes resulting in living in highly restricted ways. These people experience panic attacks, phobias, extreme shyness, obsessive thoughts, and compulsive behaviors. The feeling of anxiety is a constant and dominating force that disrupts their lives. Some become prisoners in their own homes, unable to leave to work, drive, or visit the grocery store. For these people, anxiety is much more than just an occasional wave of apprehension.
Types of Anxiety Disorders
An anxiety disorder affects a person’s behavior, thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. The most common anxiety disorders include the following:
Social anxiety or social phobia is a fear of being around other people. People who suffer from this disorder always feel self-conscious around others. They have the feeling that everyone is watching them and staring at them, being critical in some way. Because the anxiety is so painful, they learn to stay away from social situations and avoid other people. Some eventually need to be alone at all times, in a room with the door closed. The feeling is pervasive and constant and even happens with people they know.
People who have social anxiety know that their thoughts and fears are not rational. They are aware that others are not actually judging or evaluating them at every moment. But this knowledge does not make the feelings disappear.
Panic disorder is a condition where a person has panic attacks without warning. According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, about 5% of the adult American population suffers from panic attacks. Some experts say that this number is actually higher, since many people experience panic attacks but never receive treatment.
Common symptoms of panic include:
• Racing or pounding heart
• Trembling
• Sweaty palms
• Feelings of terror
• Chest pains or heaviness in the chest
• Dizziness and lightheadedness
• Fear of dying
• Fear of going crazy
• Fear of losing control
• Feeling unable to catch one’s breath
• Tingling in the hands, feet, legs, or arms
A panic attack typically lasts several minutes and is extremely upsetting and frightening. In some cases, panic attacks last longer than a few minutes or strike several times in a short time period.
A panic attack is often followed by feelings of depression and helplessness. Most people who have experienced panic say that the greatest fear is that the panic attack will happen again.
Many times, the person who has a panic attack doesn’t know what caused it. It seems to have come “out of the blue.” At other times, people report that they were feeling extreme stress or had encountered difficult times and weren’t surprised that they had a panic attack.
Generalized anxiety disorder is quite common, affecting an estimated 3 to 4% of the population. This disorder fills a person’s life with worry, anxiety, and fear. People who have this disorder are always thinking and dwelling on the “what ifs” of every situation. It feels like there is no way out of the vicious cycle of anxiety and worry. The person often becomes depressed about life and their inability to stop worrying.
People who have generalized anxiety usually do not avoid situations, and they don’t generally have panic attacks. They can become incapacitated by an inability to shut the mind off, and are overcome with feelings of worry, dread, fatigue, and a loss of interest in life. The person usually realizes these feelings are irrational, but the feelings are also very real. The person’s mood can change from day to day, or even hour to hour. Feelings of anxiety and mood swings become a pattern that severely disrupts the quality of life.
People with generalized anxiety disorder often have physical symptoms including headaches, irritability, frustration, trembling, inability to concentrate, and sleep disturbances. They may also have symptoms of social phobia and panic disorder.
Other types of anxiety disorders include:
Phobia, fearing a specific object or situation.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a system of ritualized behaviors or obsessions that are driven by anxious thoughts.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe anxiety that is triggered by memories of a past traumatic experience.
Agoraphobia, disabling fear that prevents one from leaving home or another safe place.
In the next post I will discuss treatment options for anxiety disorders.
Every human feels anxiety on occasion; it is a part of life. All of us know what it is like to feel worry, nervousness, fear, and concern. We feel nervous when we have to give a speech, go for a job interview, or walk into our boss’s office for the annual performance appraisal. We know it’s normal to feel a surge of fear when we unexpectedly see a photo of a snake or look down from the top of a tall building. Most of us manage these kinds of anxious feelings fairly well and are able to carry on with our lives without much difficulty. These feelings don’t disrupt our lives.
But millions of people (an estimated 15% of the population) suffer from devastating and constant anxiety that severely affects their lives, sometimes resulting in living in highly restricted ways. These people experience panic attacks, phobias, extreme shyness, obsessive thoughts, and compulsive behaviors. The feeling of anxiety is a constant and dominating force that disrupts their lives. Some become prisoners in their own homes, unable to leave to work, drive, or visit the grocery store. For these people, anxiety is much more than just an occasional wave of apprehension.
Types of Anxiety Disorders
An anxiety disorder affects a person’s behavior, thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. The most common anxiety disorders include the following:
Social anxiety or social phobia is a fear of being around other people. People who suffer from this disorder always feel self-conscious around others. They have the feeling that everyone is watching them and staring at them, being critical in some way. Because the anxiety is so painful, they learn to stay away from social situations and avoid other people. Some eventually need to be alone at all times, in a room with the door closed. The feeling is pervasive and constant and even happens with people they know.
People who have social anxiety know that their thoughts and fears are not rational. They are aware that others are not actually judging or evaluating them at every moment. But this knowledge does not make the feelings disappear.
Panic disorder is a condition where a person has panic attacks without warning. According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, about 5% of the adult American population suffers from panic attacks. Some experts say that this number is actually higher, since many people experience panic attacks but never receive treatment.
Common symptoms of panic include:
• Racing or pounding heart
• Trembling
• Sweaty palms
• Feelings of terror
• Chest pains or heaviness in the chest
• Dizziness and lightheadedness
• Fear of dying
• Fear of going crazy
• Fear of losing control
• Feeling unable to catch one’s breath
• Tingling in the hands, feet, legs, or arms
A panic attack typically lasts several minutes and is extremely upsetting and frightening. In some cases, panic attacks last longer than a few minutes or strike several times in a short time period.
A panic attack is often followed by feelings of depression and helplessness. Most people who have experienced panic say that the greatest fear is that the panic attack will happen again.
Many times, the person who has a panic attack doesn’t know what caused it. It seems to have come “out of the blue.” At other times, people report that they were feeling extreme stress or had encountered difficult times and weren’t surprised that they had a panic attack.
Generalized anxiety disorder is quite common, affecting an estimated 3 to 4% of the population. This disorder fills a person’s life with worry, anxiety, and fear. People who have this disorder are always thinking and dwelling on the “what ifs” of every situation. It feels like there is no way out of the vicious cycle of anxiety and worry. The person often becomes depressed about life and their inability to stop worrying.
People who have generalized anxiety usually do not avoid situations, and they don’t generally have panic attacks. They can become incapacitated by an inability to shut the mind off, and are overcome with feelings of worry, dread, fatigue, and a loss of interest in life. The person usually realizes these feelings are irrational, but the feelings are also very real. The person’s mood can change from day to day, or even hour to hour. Feelings of anxiety and mood swings become a pattern that severely disrupts the quality of life.
People with generalized anxiety disorder often have physical symptoms including headaches, irritability, frustration, trembling, inability to concentrate, and sleep disturbances. They may also have symptoms of social phobia and panic disorder.
Other types of anxiety disorders include:
Phobia, fearing a specific object or situation.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a system of ritualized behaviors or obsessions that are driven by anxious thoughts.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe anxiety that is triggered by memories of a past traumatic experience.
Agoraphobia, disabling fear that prevents one from leaving home or another safe place.
In the next post I will discuss treatment options for anxiety disorders.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Dealing with Grief
In my work as a mental health therapist, I have seen many clients dealing with losses of all kinds—loss of loved ones through death and divorce, for instance. These experiences are difficult for everyone.
Stages of Recovery from Loss
There are some predictable stages that most people pass through after losing something or someone important. In her work on death and dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined five stages of grieving.
Shock and Denial: The first reaction to loss is often the inability to feel anything. This may include feeling numb, weak, overwhelmed, anxious, not yourself, or withdrawn.
Anger: Blaming yourself or others for the loss.
Bargaining: “If you’ll just let him live, I’ll promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life.”
Depression: Feeling deep sadness, disturbed sleep and eating patterns, thoughts of suicide, excessive crying.
Acceptance: Beginning to look for the lessons of the experience.
Kübler-Ross said that the grieving process involves experiencing all five stages, although not always in this order. She also said that people often cycle back and forth through a number of the stages before coming to the stage of acceptance.
Kinds of Losses
Some examples of significant losses are:
• Loss of a person through death
• Divorce
• Job loss
• Loss of your good health when you are diagnosed with a disease
• Loss of a body part through accident or surgery
• Loss of an ability, such as blindness
• Loss of a friend who has moved
• Loss of everything familiar when you move away
Each kind of loss affects each person in a different way, but the recovery process usually follows Kübler-Ross’s five stages.
Recovering from Loss: Some Key Points
1. You are responsible for your own grief process. No one can tell you how to grieve, and no one will do your grieving for you. It is hard work and you must manage the process by yourself.
2. The grief process has a purpose. It is to help you learn to accept the reality of the loss and to learn from the experience.
3. Remind yourself that your grief will end. You will not feel like this forever. You will heal.
4. Take care of your health. Grief is extremely stressful, and it requires energy to manage the stress.
5. Be careful with food and drink. While it may be tempting to numb the pain with food and drink, this can lead to the additional problems of alcohol dependence and overweight. Also, numbing the pain means you are prolonging denial. This will make your grieving process longer.
6. Talk about the person who is no longer in your life. People sometimes avoid talking about the loss as a denial mechanism. However, this prolongs denial and the grieving process.
7. Take time to be alone. In the days and weeks following the loss of a loved one, there is often a flurry of activity with many visitors and phone calls. Added to the stress of your loss, this can be completely exhausting. People will understand if you don’t answer the phone for an afternoon or go to your room and close the door for a while.
8. Maintain a normal routine if you can. You have enough changes in your life right now. Try to get up in the morning, go to bed at night, and take your meals at the same times you usually do.
9. Ask for help. You will need it. If you don’t want to be alone, or if you want someone to take you somewhere, it is okay to ask. People don’t expect you to be self-sufficient right now.
10. Let people help you. People want to help because it gives them a way to express their feelings. Staying connected with people is especially important now, and accepting help is a way of staying connected.
11. Keep a journal of your feelings and experiences during the grief process. Writing about your feelings helps you express them, rather than keeping them inside. It also gives you something to remember and review in the future, which you will appreciate. Writing about your feelings helps you express them, rather than keeping them inside.
How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving
1. Don’t try to get them to feel or be anything but what they are.
2. Don’t reward them for acting cheerful or “like your old self.” This teaches them to suppress their feelings around you.
3. Don’t avoid them. They need your support.
4. Let them tell about the loss again and again, if they need to.
5. Recognize that unexpected, perhaps inappropriate behavior is part of the grieving process. It means the bereaved person is moving forward.
I pray that these pointers will help you or someone you care about go through the grieving process in a healthy manner.
Stages of Recovery from Loss
There are some predictable stages that most people pass through after losing something or someone important. In her work on death and dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined five stages of grieving.
Shock and Denial: The first reaction to loss is often the inability to feel anything. This may include feeling numb, weak, overwhelmed, anxious, not yourself, or withdrawn.
Anger: Blaming yourself or others for the loss.
Bargaining: “If you’ll just let him live, I’ll promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life.”
Depression: Feeling deep sadness, disturbed sleep and eating patterns, thoughts of suicide, excessive crying.
Acceptance: Beginning to look for the lessons of the experience.
Kübler-Ross said that the grieving process involves experiencing all five stages, although not always in this order. She also said that people often cycle back and forth through a number of the stages before coming to the stage of acceptance.
Kinds of Losses
Some examples of significant losses are:
• Loss of a person through death
• Divorce
• Job loss
• Loss of your good health when you are diagnosed with a disease
• Loss of a body part through accident or surgery
• Loss of an ability, such as blindness
• Loss of a friend who has moved
• Loss of everything familiar when you move away
Each kind of loss affects each person in a different way, but the recovery process usually follows Kübler-Ross’s five stages.
Recovering from Loss: Some Key Points
1. You are responsible for your own grief process. No one can tell you how to grieve, and no one will do your grieving for you. It is hard work and you must manage the process by yourself.
2. The grief process has a purpose. It is to help you learn to accept the reality of the loss and to learn from the experience.
3. Remind yourself that your grief will end. You will not feel like this forever. You will heal.
4. Take care of your health. Grief is extremely stressful, and it requires energy to manage the stress.
5. Be careful with food and drink. While it may be tempting to numb the pain with food and drink, this can lead to the additional problems of alcohol dependence and overweight. Also, numbing the pain means you are prolonging denial. This will make your grieving process longer.
6. Talk about the person who is no longer in your life. People sometimes avoid talking about the loss as a denial mechanism. However, this prolongs denial and the grieving process.
7. Take time to be alone. In the days and weeks following the loss of a loved one, there is often a flurry of activity with many visitors and phone calls. Added to the stress of your loss, this can be completely exhausting. People will understand if you don’t answer the phone for an afternoon or go to your room and close the door for a while.
8. Maintain a normal routine if you can. You have enough changes in your life right now. Try to get up in the morning, go to bed at night, and take your meals at the same times you usually do.
9. Ask for help. You will need it. If you don’t want to be alone, or if you want someone to take you somewhere, it is okay to ask. People don’t expect you to be self-sufficient right now.
10. Let people help you. People want to help because it gives them a way to express their feelings. Staying connected with people is especially important now, and accepting help is a way of staying connected.
11. Keep a journal of your feelings and experiences during the grief process. Writing about your feelings helps you express them, rather than keeping them inside. It also gives you something to remember and review in the future, which you will appreciate. Writing about your feelings helps you express them, rather than keeping them inside.
How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving
1. Don’t try to get them to feel or be anything but what they are.
2. Don’t reward them for acting cheerful or “like your old self.” This teaches them to suppress their feelings around you.
3. Don’t avoid them. They need your support.
4. Let them tell about the loss again and again, if they need to.
5. Recognize that unexpected, perhaps inappropriate behavior is part of the grieving process. It means the bereaved person is moving forward.
I pray that these pointers will help you or someone you care about go through the grieving process in a healthy manner.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Recognizing and Dealing with Depression (Part 2)
This is the second of a two-part series on depression. In this blog, I will describe how depression is treated and prevented. If you or someone close to you suffers from depression, it is important to educate yourself about it and seek treatment from qualified mental health professionals.
There are three basic ways to treat depression: psychotherapy, self-help, and medication. Many people respond best to a combination of two or more methods.
1. Psychotherapy: Exploring one’s beliefs and ways of thinking, and learning new ways of
thinking and behaving, with the guidance of a professional.
2. Self-help: Exploring one’s beliefs and ways of thinking on one’s own.
3. Medication: Altering one’s brain chemistry by taking antidepressant medication.
There are four types of antidepressant medication available today:
• Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs)
• Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs)
• Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
• Structurally unrelated compounds
The TCAs and MAOIs have been used for decades. The SSRIs (such as Prozac) and structurally unrelated compounds are newer and are being prescribed more and more frequently. They have fewer and less pronounced side effects than the TCAs and MAOIs.
Treatment without Medicine
One of the leading methods for treating depression is cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapists help depressed clients feel better by identifying how faulty ways of thinking are making him or her feel bad. The client analyzes his or her thoughts and beliefs, and learns to substitute more healthy ways of thinking and believing.
Many mental health professionals believe that the ideal treatment of clinical depression is medication in conjunction with psychotherapy.
Prevention of Depression
Depression can often be prevented. It is especially important to take preventive action if you are aware that you have predisposing factors such as those mentioned in the last blog.
1. Identify your risk factors and be aware of where you are vulnerable. Each of us has unique
risk factors, such as things we were taught in our families of origin, values we have learned,
and the presence or absence of a family history of depression. Anything that has been
learned can be unlearned and replaced with something healthier.
2. Learn to manage stress. You can learn proven techniques for calming and relaxing
yourself. Consider taking a stress management class or buying a set of relaxation tapes.
3. Learn problem-solving skills. Many people who develop depression never learned
problem-solving skills. They need to develop the ability to see problems from many
viewpoints and to look for a variety of solutions.
4. Learn self-acceptance. Instead of rejecting the parts of yourself you don’t like, learn to
manage them more productively.
5. Become aware of selective perception. Observe how you generate ideas and opinions
about people and events. Remember that these are just your views, not necessarily
objective facts.
6. Focus on the future, not the past. Depressed people tend to be focused on the past. People
who set goals and focus on the future tend to be more positive about life.
7. Develop a sense of purpose. Many depressed people lack a sense of purpose or meaning.
This means they have no goals and nothing in the future drawing them forward. To prevent
depression, develop your sense of purpose and meaning.
8. Strengthen your emotional boundaries and set limits. Boundaries define your role in a
social situation. They determine how you will or won’t behave in a given situation. Having
clear, strong boundaries is empowering, while boundary violations make you feel victimized
and helpless. Setting limits means having and enforcing rules for the behaviors you expect
in a relationship.
9. Build positive and healthy relationships. Think about what you need from others in
relationships. Learn to read people and trust your instincts about which people are good for
you.
10. Avoid isolation. Talk to others about what’s going on with you. If you keep your thoughts to
yourself, you may be unaware that your thoughts are distorted. If you share them with
another person, you can become more objective. There is power in numbers.
Signs That Professional Therapy Is Needed
1. Thinking about death or suicide. This is always dangerous and you should see a
professional therapist immediately.
2. When symptoms of depression continue for a long time, you may need professional help.
Acute responses to events are normal, but they should not last beyond a reasonable time.
3. Your ability to function is impaired by your depression. Seek help before your life situation
deteriorates to a serious level.
4. You have become so isolated that you have no one with whom to test reality. Seek
someone out to share your thoughts and feelings with.
5. Depressive symptoms have become severe.
I hope these thoughts give you a starting point to become well and healthy. God bless.
There are three basic ways to treat depression: psychotherapy, self-help, and medication. Many people respond best to a combination of two or more methods.
1. Psychotherapy: Exploring one’s beliefs and ways of thinking, and learning new ways of
thinking and behaving, with the guidance of a professional.
2. Self-help: Exploring one’s beliefs and ways of thinking on one’s own.
3. Medication: Altering one’s brain chemistry by taking antidepressant medication.
There are four types of antidepressant medication available today:
• Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs)
• Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs)
• Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
• Structurally unrelated compounds
The TCAs and MAOIs have been used for decades. The SSRIs (such as Prozac) and structurally unrelated compounds are newer and are being prescribed more and more frequently. They have fewer and less pronounced side effects than the TCAs and MAOIs.
Treatment without Medicine
One of the leading methods for treating depression is cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapists help depressed clients feel better by identifying how faulty ways of thinking are making him or her feel bad. The client analyzes his or her thoughts and beliefs, and learns to substitute more healthy ways of thinking and believing.
Many mental health professionals believe that the ideal treatment of clinical depression is medication in conjunction with psychotherapy.
Prevention of Depression
Depression can often be prevented. It is especially important to take preventive action if you are aware that you have predisposing factors such as those mentioned in the last blog.
1. Identify your risk factors and be aware of where you are vulnerable. Each of us has unique
risk factors, such as things we were taught in our families of origin, values we have learned,
and the presence or absence of a family history of depression. Anything that has been
learned can be unlearned and replaced with something healthier.
2. Learn to manage stress. You can learn proven techniques for calming and relaxing
yourself. Consider taking a stress management class or buying a set of relaxation tapes.
3. Learn problem-solving skills. Many people who develop depression never learned
problem-solving skills. They need to develop the ability to see problems from many
viewpoints and to look for a variety of solutions.
4. Learn self-acceptance. Instead of rejecting the parts of yourself you don’t like, learn to
manage them more productively.
5. Become aware of selective perception. Observe how you generate ideas and opinions
about people and events. Remember that these are just your views, not necessarily
objective facts.
6. Focus on the future, not the past. Depressed people tend to be focused on the past. People
who set goals and focus on the future tend to be more positive about life.
7. Develop a sense of purpose. Many depressed people lack a sense of purpose or meaning.
This means they have no goals and nothing in the future drawing them forward. To prevent
depression, develop your sense of purpose and meaning.
8. Strengthen your emotional boundaries and set limits. Boundaries define your role in a
social situation. They determine how you will or won’t behave in a given situation. Having
clear, strong boundaries is empowering, while boundary violations make you feel victimized
and helpless. Setting limits means having and enforcing rules for the behaviors you expect
in a relationship.
9. Build positive and healthy relationships. Think about what you need from others in
relationships. Learn to read people and trust your instincts about which people are good for
you.
10. Avoid isolation. Talk to others about what’s going on with you. If you keep your thoughts to
yourself, you may be unaware that your thoughts are distorted. If you share them with
another person, you can become more objective. There is power in numbers.
Signs That Professional Therapy Is Needed
1. Thinking about death or suicide. This is always dangerous and you should see a
professional therapist immediately.
2. When symptoms of depression continue for a long time, you may need professional help.
Acute responses to events are normal, but they should not last beyond a reasonable time.
3. Your ability to function is impaired by your depression. Seek help before your life situation
deteriorates to a serious level.
4. You have become so isolated that you have no one with whom to test reality. Seek
someone out to share your thoughts and feelings with.
5. Depressive symptoms have become severe.
I hope these thoughts give you a starting point to become well and healthy. God bless.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Recognizing and Dealing with Depression (Part 1)
This is the first of a two-part series on depression. In this issue, I will explore what depression is and what causes it. In the next issue, I will describe how depression is treated and prevented. If you or someone close to you suffers from depression, it is important to educate yourself about it and seek treatment from qualified mental health professionals.
Depression is a serious illness, not a harmless part of life. It is a complex disorder with a variety of causes. It is never caused by just one thing. It may be the result of a mix of factors, including genetic, chemical, physical, and sociological. It is also influenced by behavior patterns learned in the family and by cognitive distortions.
Depression affects millions of people in this country. It is always troubling, and for some people it can be disabling. Depression is more than just sadness or “the blues.” It can have an impact on nearly every aspect of a person’s life. People who suffer from depression may experience despair and worthlessness, and this can have an enormous impact on both personal and professional relationships. In this newsletter, I will describe many of the factors that may cause depression, and I will explore strategies for preventing it.
Depression Is Pervasive
When a person suffers from depression, it can affect every part of his or her life, including one’s physical body, one’s behavior, thought processes, mood, ability to relate to others, and general lifestyle.
Symptoms of Depression
People who are diagnosed with clinical depression have a combination of symptoms from the following list:
• Feelings of hopelessness, even when there is reason to be hopeful
• Fatigue or low energy
• Much less interest or pleasure in most regular activities
• Low self-esteem
• Feeling worthless
• Excessive or inappropriate guilt
• Lessened ability to think or concentrate
• Indecisiveness
• Thinking distorted thoughts; having an unrealistic view of life
• Weight loss or gain without dieting
• Change in appetite
• Change in sleeping patterns
• Recurrent thoughts of death
• Suicidal thoughts
• A specific plan for committing suicide
• A suicide attempt
• Feelings of restlessness or being slowed down
When a person is suffering from depression, these symptoms cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. This means that the person’s family and social relationships, as well as work life, are impaired.
When a person is suffering from depression, symptoms such as these are not the result of a chronic psychotic disorder, substance abuse, general medical condition, or bereavement.
Grief, Sadness, and Depression
Depression may include feelings of sadness, but it is not the same as sadness. Depression lasts much longer than sadness. While depression involves a loss of self-esteem, grief, disappointment and sadness do not. People who are depressed function less productively. People who are sad or disappointed continue to function.
Depression and Socioeconomic Factors
Depression does not seem to be related to ethnicity, education, income, or marital status. It strikes slightly more women than men. Some researchers believe that depression strikes more often in women who have a history of emotional and sexual abuse, economic deprivation, or are dependent on others. There seems to be a genetic link; depression is more common among parents, children, and siblings of people who are diagnosed with depression. The average age at the onset of a depressive episode is the mid-20s. People born more recently are being diagnosed at a younger age.
Physical Causes
Many physicians believe that depression results from a chemical imbalance in the brain. They often prescribe antidepressant medication, and many people find relief as a result. However, there is no reliable test to identify such a chemical imbalance. It is unknown whether life experiences cause mood changes, which create changes in brain chemistry, or whether it works in reverse.
Depression may be associated with physical events such as other diseases, physical trauma, and hormonal changes. A person who is depressed should always have a physical examination as part of the assessment process to determine the role of physical causes.
Signs That Professional Treatment Is Needed
If you or someone you know is depressed and exhibits any of the following signs, it is extremely important to seek the assistance of a medical or mental health professional.
1. Thinking about death or suicide. This is always dangerous and you should see a
professional therapist immediately.
2. When symptoms of depression continue for a long time, you may need professional help.
Acute responses to events are normal, but they should not last beyond a reasonable time.
3. Your ability to function is impaired by your depression. Seek help before your life situation
deteriorates to a serious level.
4. You have become so isolated that you have no one with whom to check reality. Seek out
someone to share your thoughts and feelings with.
5. Depressive symptoms have become severe.
In my next blog, I will discuss the treatment and prevention of depression.
Depression is a serious illness, not a harmless part of life. It is a complex disorder with a variety of causes. It is never caused by just one thing. It may be the result of a mix of factors, including genetic, chemical, physical, and sociological. It is also influenced by behavior patterns learned in the family and by cognitive distortions.
Depression affects millions of people in this country. It is always troubling, and for some people it can be disabling. Depression is more than just sadness or “the blues.” It can have an impact on nearly every aspect of a person’s life. People who suffer from depression may experience despair and worthlessness, and this can have an enormous impact on both personal and professional relationships. In this newsletter, I will describe many of the factors that may cause depression, and I will explore strategies for preventing it.
Depression Is Pervasive
When a person suffers from depression, it can affect every part of his or her life, including one’s physical body, one’s behavior, thought processes, mood, ability to relate to others, and general lifestyle.
Symptoms of Depression
People who are diagnosed with clinical depression have a combination of symptoms from the following list:
• Feelings of hopelessness, even when there is reason to be hopeful
• Fatigue or low energy
• Much less interest or pleasure in most regular activities
• Low self-esteem
• Feeling worthless
• Excessive or inappropriate guilt
• Lessened ability to think or concentrate
• Indecisiveness
• Thinking distorted thoughts; having an unrealistic view of life
• Weight loss or gain without dieting
• Change in appetite
• Change in sleeping patterns
• Recurrent thoughts of death
• Suicidal thoughts
• A specific plan for committing suicide
• A suicide attempt
• Feelings of restlessness or being slowed down
When a person is suffering from depression, these symptoms cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. This means that the person’s family and social relationships, as well as work life, are impaired.
When a person is suffering from depression, symptoms such as these are not the result of a chronic psychotic disorder, substance abuse, general medical condition, or bereavement.
Grief, Sadness, and Depression
Depression may include feelings of sadness, but it is not the same as sadness. Depression lasts much longer than sadness. While depression involves a loss of self-esteem, grief, disappointment and sadness do not. People who are depressed function less productively. People who are sad or disappointed continue to function.
Depression and Socioeconomic Factors
Depression does not seem to be related to ethnicity, education, income, or marital status. It strikes slightly more women than men. Some researchers believe that depression strikes more often in women who have a history of emotional and sexual abuse, economic deprivation, or are dependent on others. There seems to be a genetic link; depression is more common among parents, children, and siblings of people who are diagnosed with depression. The average age at the onset of a depressive episode is the mid-20s. People born more recently are being diagnosed at a younger age.
Physical Causes
Many physicians believe that depression results from a chemical imbalance in the brain. They often prescribe antidepressant medication, and many people find relief as a result. However, there is no reliable test to identify such a chemical imbalance. It is unknown whether life experiences cause mood changes, which create changes in brain chemistry, or whether it works in reverse.
Depression may be associated with physical events such as other diseases, physical trauma, and hormonal changes. A person who is depressed should always have a physical examination as part of the assessment process to determine the role of physical causes.
Signs That Professional Treatment Is Needed
If you or someone you know is depressed and exhibits any of the following signs, it is extremely important to seek the assistance of a medical or mental health professional.
1. Thinking about death or suicide. This is always dangerous and you should see a
professional therapist immediately.
2. When symptoms of depression continue for a long time, you may need professional help.
Acute responses to events are normal, but they should not last beyond a reasonable time.
3. Your ability to function is impaired by your depression. Seek help before your life situation
deteriorates to a serious level.
4. You have become so isolated that you have no one with whom to check reality. Seek out
someone to share your thoughts and feelings with.
5. Depressive symptoms have become severe.
In my next blog, I will discuss the treatment and prevention of depression.
Monday, March 26, 2007
How to Stop Procrastination
This is the second of a series of two blogs that explore the dynamics of procrastination. In a previous blog, you learned what procrastination is and why people do it. In this blog, you will learn how to change your procrastination behaviors and enable yourself to be more productive.
You will have the greatest success if you read the first blog and take some time to observe your own procrastination patterns. Once you have accomplished that, choose a few of the strategies outlined here. Keep working at it until you understand what you need to do to stop putting things off.
Set Specific Goals
The most effective goals are specific, measurable, and achievable. An example of a good goal is, “I will buy paint on Friday and paint the living room on Saturday.” This is better than saying, “I am going to get the house ready to sell.”
Set Priorities
Write down all the things that you need to do, and place them in order of importance. The most important tasks belong at the top of your list and the distractions go at the bottom. Start at the top of your list and work your way down.
Organize Your Work
Set up a system for yourself. Prepare a daily schedule and keep it within view during your working time. List the tasks for each day. Check things off as you complete them. When you are working on a project, lay out all of the needed supplies or materials before you begin.
Divide and Conquer
Sometimes a project is overwhelming if you think about all of the work that is involved. Do yourself a favor: Break the activity down into smaller steps and set progress goals for each of the steps. This is especially helpful when you are beginning a writing project, studying for a degree, or building a new set of skills.
For example, if you need to write a report, make an outline before you start writing. If you have to clean your house, make your goal to do the first two rooms by 10:00, two more by noon, and two more by 2:00. Check tasks off your outline as you complete them.
Make It a Game
Turn the temptation to avoid working into a challenge. Use your imagination. For example, if you need to study the first five chapters of your history book, pretend that you are a substitute teacher and will need to lecture on the material tomorrow. Take notes and organize the information into an outline that you could speak from. Sometimes changing the frame around a situation makes it more interesting and less of a chore.
Schedule a Small Amount of Time
Tell yourself that you will only spend ten minutes on the task right now, just to get your feet wet. Work on the task for the ten minutes and then choose whether to continue for ten more minutes. Continue doing this until you decide to stop, or when you are finished with the task. If you stop working on the task before it is finished, spend a few more minutes to plan a strategy for the next steps.
When you are tempted to substitute a fun but unimportant activity (such as reading a magazine or watching the weather channel) for an important project (such as finishing pages of your report), make the substitute activity your reward for doing the important task. Do the high-priority job first and reward yourself with the fun activity.
Ward Off Self-Defeating Thoughts
Telling yourself that you are going to do a poor job or even fail can seriously undermine your ability to function. It is important to realize that your negative statements are not facts. Keep your focus on the present moment and the positive steps you can take toward accomplishing your goals. If these thoughts are based on a need for perfection or low self-esteem, you may want to work on these issues.
Make a Commitment
Make a verbal and written commitment to completing the task or project. Write a contract and sign it. Tell someone about your plans and ask them to follow up with you.
One trainer wanted to create a how-to workbook and market it to other training professionals. After weeks of procrastination, she decided to motivate herself by creating a deadline. She wrote an ad for the workbook and placed it in the professional publication that she knew her colleagues would be reading. When her telephone began to ring with orders for the workbook, she suddenly became very focused.
Remind Yourself
Write notes to yourself and post them in conspicuous places. Leave them where you will see them—on places like the outside of your briefcase, the bathroom mirror, refrigerator, television, your front door, and the dashboard of your car. The more often you remind yourself of what you plan to accomplish, the more likely it is that you will follow through with action.
Reward Yourself
Reinforcement is a very effective way to motivate yourself. When you complete even the most minor task, be sure to acknowledge what you have done. This is especially important in the beginning when you are struggling with procrastination behaviors. After you have mastered these issues and have regained your peak productivity, don’t forget to celebrate the completion of the big projects. You worked hard for it and shouldn’t take it for granted.
Use this information to develop your personal program for accomplishing the things that are most important to you.
You will have the greatest success if you read the first blog and take some time to observe your own procrastination patterns. Once you have accomplished that, choose a few of the strategies outlined here. Keep working at it until you understand what you need to do to stop putting things off.
Set Specific Goals
The most effective goals are specific, measurable, and achievable. An example of a good goal is, “I will buy paint on Friday and paint the living room on Saturday.” This is better than saying, “I am going to get the house ready to sell.”
Set Priorities
Write down all the things that you need to do, and place them in order of importance. The most important tasks belong at the top of your list and the distractions go at the bottom. Start at the top of your list and work your way down.
Organize Your Work
Set up a system for yourself. Prepare a daily schedule and keep it within view during your working time. List the tasks for each day. Check things off as you complete them. When you are working on a project, lay out all of the needed supplies or materials before you begin.
Divide and Conquer
Sometimes a project is overwhelming if you think about all of the work that is involved. Do yourself a favor: Break the activity down into smaller steps and set progress goals for each of the steps. This is especially helpful when you are beginning a writing project, studying for a degree, or building a new set of skills.
For example, if you need to write a report, make an outline before you start writing. If you have to clean your house, make your goal to do the first two rooms by 10:00, two more by noon, and two more by 2:00. Check tasks off your outline as you complete them.
Make It a Game
Turn the temptation to avoid working into a challenge. Use your imagination. For example, if you need to study the first five chapters of your history book, pretend that you are a substitute teacher and will need to lecture on the material tomorrow. Take notes and organize the information into an outline that you could speak from. Sometimes changing the frame around a situation makes it more interesting and less of a chore.
Schedule a Small Amount of Time
Tell yourself that you will only spend ten minutes on the task right now, just to get your feet wet. Work on the task for the ten minutes and then choose whether to continue for ten more minutes. Continue doing this until you decide to stop, or when you are finished with the task. If you stop working on the task before it is finished, spend a few more minutes to plan a strategy for the next steps.
When you are tempted to substitute a fun but unimportant activity (such as reading a magazine or watching the weather channel) for an important project (such as finishing pages of your report), make the substitute activity your reward for doing the important task. Do the high-priority job first and reward yourself with the fun activity.
Ward Off Self-Defeating Thoughts
Telling yourself that you are going to do a poor job or even fail can seriously undermine your ability to function. It is important to realize that your negative statements are not facts. Keep your focus on the present moment and the positive steps you can take toward accomplishing your goals. If these thoughts are based on a need for perfection or low self-esteem, you may want to work on these issues.
Make a Commitment
Make a verbal and written commitment to completing the task or project. Write a contract and sign it. Tell someone about your plans and ask them to follow up with you.
One trainer wanted to create a how-to workbook and market it to other training professionals. After weeks of procrastination, she decided to motivate herself by creating a deadline. She wrote an ad for the workbook and placed it in the professional publication that she knew her colleagues would be reading. When her telephone began to ring with orders for the workbook, she suddenly became very focused.
Remind Yourself
Write notes to yourself and post them in conspicuous places. Leave them where you will see them—on places like the outside of your briefcase, the bathroom mirror, refrigerator, television, your front door, and the dashboard of your car. The more often you remind yourself of what you plan to accomplish, the more likely it is that you will follow through with action.
Reward Yourself
Reinforcement is a very effective way to motivate yourself. When you complete even the most minor task, be sure to acknowledge what you have done. This is especially important in the beginning when you are struggling with procrastination behaviors. After you have mastered these issues and have regained your peak productivity, don’t forget to celebrate the completion of the big projects. You worked hard for it and shouldn’t take it for granted.
Use this information to develop your personal program for accomplishing the things that are most important to you.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Life of a Procrastinator
The first in a series of two blogs.
All of us procrastinate on occasion. For some people, it’s a chronic problem; for others, it’s only a problem in certain life areas. Procrastination is always frustrating because it results in wasted time, lost opportunities, disappointing work performance, and generally feeling bad about yourself.
When you procrastinate, you allow less important tasks to take up the time and space that should be devoted to more important things. You do things like hanging out with friends when you know that an important work project is due soon, or going shopping instead of doing your homework. It can also be evident in behavior such as talking about trivial things with your partner to avoid discussing important issues in your relationship.
Most people don’t have a problem finding time for things they want to do. But once they see a task as too difficult, painful, boring, or overwhelming, the procrastination behaviors begin. You are not alone if you have ever made any of the following excuses to yourself:
1. It’s too cold to exercise outside today. I’ll wait until tomorrow when it’s warmer.
2. I’ve got too many other things to do first.
3. I’ll do a better job when I can concentrate on this project.
4. I still have lots of time to get this done.
5. They don’t pay me enough to do a more complete job. This is good enough.
6. This problem is too hard to talk about. I wouldn’t know where to start.
7. I work better under pressure.
8. It’s too noisy to work while my teenager is at home.
9. I can eat this pie tonight, because I’m starting my diet tomorrow.
10. My tooth doesn’t really hurt that much. The pain will probably go away tomorrow.
Most of the time, these excuses seem fairly innocuous. However, they’re not as innocent as they seem, because they cause us to postpone important duties and projects. Ultimately, these excuses can keep us from accomplishing important goals and make us feel bad about ourselves.
Why People Procrastinate
If you were hoping for a simple answer to this puzzle, you will be disappointed to learn that there are many reasons why people put things off. Here are a few of the most common (check those that apply to you):
Avoiding discomfort. Wanting to avoid pain makes lots of people shift into procrastination mode. However, the longer we delay, the worse the uncomfortable problem usually becomes. The rash gets bigger, the tooth hurts more, or the brakes squeak even more loudly.
Perfectionism. Those who believe they must produce the perfect report may obsess about uncovering every last information source and then write draft after draft. Their search for the perfect product takes up so much time that they miss their deadline.
Laziness. Sometimes people delay tasks that involve fairly slight inconvenience or minor discomfort.
Thinking you’re not good enough. Some people are certain that they are incompetent. They think that they will fail, and procrastinate to avoid ever putting their skills to the test.
Self-doubt. If you second-guess yourself, you probably suffer from procrastination. You may avoid new challenges and opportunities unless you are certain that you will succeed. Perhaps you make feeble attempts to begin a project, and you tell yourself that you could do a better job if you put in more effort.
Workaholism. At the other end of the spectrum, many people who work excessively also fall into this category. They drive themselves ruthlessly, fearing that if they stop working, they will not be able to start again. Most self-doubters are driven by the belief that they must meet strict standards in order to see themselves as successful.
Why Don’t We Just Say No?
Since procrastination produces mostly negative outcomes, why don’t we just change our behavior and eliminate these undesirable consequences? The reason for this is that procrastination reinforces itself. For some reason, it is more difficult for most humans to start change than to keep it going. We avoid getting started by cleverly diverting our attention from the things we really should be doing. We do something else instead or make up a story about how we will accomplish the task in the future—when we are inspired, or when we have completed a preliminary step, or some other trick.
Although recognizing how these diversions work won’t automatically cure your procrastination, being aware of it is a good place to start working on the problem. Once you are aware of the ways that you procrastinate, you can start to change your behavior. In my next blog, I’ll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these behaviors as you observe them.
All of us procrastinate on occasion. For some people, it’s a chronic problem; for others, it’s only a problem in certain life areas. Procrastination is always frustrating because it results in wasted time, lost opportunities, disappointing work performance, and generally feeling bad about yourself.
When you procrastinate, you allow less important tasks to take up the time and space that should be devoted to more important things. You do things like hanging out with friends when you know that an important work project is due soon, or going shopping instead of doing your homework. It can also be evident in behavior such as talking about trivial things with your partner to avoid discussing important issues in your relationship.
Most people don’t have a problem finding time for things they want to do. But once they see a task as too difficult, painful, boring, or overwhelming, the procrastination behaviors begin. You are not alone if you have ever made any of the following excuses to yourself:
1. It’s too cold to exercise outside today. I’ll wait until tomorrow when it’s warmer.
2. I’ve got too many other things to do first.
3. I’ll do a better job when I can concentrate on this project.
4. I still have lots of time to get this done.
5. They don’t pay me enough to do a more complete job. This is good enough.
6. This problem is too hard to talk about. I wouldn’t know where to start.
7. I work better under pressure.
8. It’s too noisy to work while my teenager is at home.
9. I can eat this pie tonight, because I’m starting my diet tomorrow.
10. My tooth doesn’t really hurt that much. The pain will probably go away tomorrow.
Most of the time, these excuses seem fairly innocuous. However, they’re not as innocent as they seem, because they cause us to postpone important duties and projects. Ultimately, these excuses can keep us from accomplishing important goals and make us feel bad about ourselves.
Why People Procrastinate
If you were hoping for a simple answer to this puzzle, you will be disappointed to learn that there are many reasons why people put things off. Here are a few of the most common (check those that apply to you):
Avoiding discomfort. Wanting to avoid pain makes lots of people shift into procrastination mode. However, the longer we delay, the worse the uncomfortable problem usually becomes. The rash gets bigger, the tooth hurts more, or the brakes squeak even more loudly.
Perfectionism. Those who believe they must produce the perfect report may obsess about uncovering every last information source and then write draft after draft. Their search for the perfect product takes up so much time that they miss their deadline.
Laziness. Sometimes people delay tasks that involve fairly slight inconvenience or minor discomfort.
Thinking you’re not good enough. Some people are certain that they are incompetent. They think that they will fail, and procrastinate to avoid ever putting their skills to the test.
Self-doubt. If you second-guess yourself, you probably suffer from procrastination. You may avoid new challenges and opportunities unless you are certain that you will succeed. Perhaps you make feeble attempts to begin a project, and you tell yourself that you could do a better job if you put in more effort.
Workaholism. At the other end of the spectrum, many people who work excessively also fall into this category. They drive themselves ruthlessly, fearing that if they stop working, they will not be able to start again. Most self-doubters are driven by the belief that they must meet strict standards in order to see themselves as successful.
Why Don’t We Just Say No?
Since procrastination produces mostly negative outcomes, why don’t we just change our behavior and eliminate these undesirable consequences? The reason for this is that procrastination reinforces itself. For some reason, it is more difficult for most humans to start change than to keep it going. We avoid getting started by cleverly diverting our attention from the things we really should be doing. We do something else instead or make up a story about how we will accomplish the task in the future—when we are inspired, or when we have completed a preliminary step, or some other trick.
Although recognizing how these diversions work won’t automatically cure your procrastination, being aware of it is a good place to start working on the problem. Once you are aware of the ways that you procrastinate, you can start to change your behavior. In my next blog, I’ll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these behaviors as you observe them.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
A Biblical View of Suicide
We looked earlier at some myths that are often carried concerning suicide. Today I want to discuss a Biblical perspective on suicide. This is needed because there is a belief that suicide is an unforgivable sin. For the purpose of this blog I will define suicide as willingly taking your own life or allowing someone else to do it for you. I want to look at a few examples of suicide in the Bible to get a better perspective on this topic.
Please do not interpret this as me saying that suicide is a good thing to do. I believe it is a terrible way for someone to end their life because they always leave their family and friends behind as vicitims. If you are considering this path I urge you to talk to someone you trust about your feelings so that you can receive the proper help.
Abimilech (Judges 9:54)
Hurriedly he called to his armor-bearer, "Draw your sword and kill me, so that they can't say, 'A woman killed him.' " So his servant ran him through, and he died.
Abimelech was the son of Gideon who had himself proclaimed king of Israel. He besieged Thebez and was struck in the head due to a woman dropping a rock on him. He knew that he was injured severely. He commanded his armour-bearer to slay him because it was a disgrace to be killed by a woman. His armour-bearer followed the order. He chose his own method of death instead of having his legacy tarnished.
Hurriedly he called to his armor-bearer, "Draw your sword and kill me, so that they can't say, 'A woman killed him.' " So his servant ran him through, and he died.
Abimelech was the son of Gideon who had himself proclaimed king of Israel. He besieged Thebez and was struck in the head due to a woman dropping a rock on him. He knew that he was injured severely. He commanded his armour-bearer to slay him because it was a disgrace to be killed by a woman. His armour-bearer followed the order. He chose his own method of death instead of having his legacy tarnished.
Samson (Judges 16:28-30)
Then Samson prayed to the LORD, "O Sovereign LORD, remember me. O God, please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes." 29 Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, 30 Samson said, "Let me die with the Philistines!" Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived.
Then Samson prayed to the LORD, "O Sovereign LORD, remember me. O God, please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes." 29 Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, 30 Samson said, "Let me die with the Philistines!" Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived.
Samson had been dedicated to God since birth. He became a judge and lived faithfully toward God. He made a mistake by trusting Delilah and lost his power. He then became a slave. Samson prayed to God for strength to pull down the temple. This caused the death of many of the leading Philistines but it also caused his own death. He did this in revenge. He was attempting to make things right with God. It appears that his thinking was clear when he made this decision and he knew that his life would end in this action.
Judas (Matthew 27:5)
So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.
So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.
Judas betrays Jesus for thirty pieces of silver. He appears to feel guilty about this and hangs himself in shame.
I chose these three examples specifically because each man took his own life for different reasons, but the result was still the same. Each man died through their own will and by their own choice. Since God is the giver of all life, then their actions should be questioned. Does God give us the right to end our life when we want to? Just looking at these three examples I would have to say no. I believe that since He forbids us to take another's life that He would not be pleased by us taking our own life. Although Samson prayed for the strength to get revenge it does not clearly state that he had the blessing of God to kill himself. I think the natural assumption then is that suicide is a sin. I believe the sin is in the choice to end a life that God has blessed us to have. He has given us dominion over the Earth and commanded us to be fruitful and multiply. God is in the business of bringing life, so to do the opposite would seem to go against His will.
Is this a forgivable sin?
The main reason people believe that suicide is an unforgivable sin is because you cannot repent of this sin once it is committed. The person who commits suicide in essence has died with unrepented sins. This almost seems like an "open and shut" case but the reality is that EVERYONE dies with sins that they have not been forgiven of. If I die in a car wreck and curse before I die I have unrepented sin. If I drown one day, but forget to apologize to my wife for being mean to her that morning then I die with unrepented sins. Without the grace of God in our lives we are all out of luck and have no hope. So this argument alone will not stand.
Please do not interpret this as me saying that suicide is a good thing to do. I believe it is a terrible way for someone to end their life because they always leave their family and friends behind as vicitims. If you are considering this path I urge you to talk to someone you trust about your feelings so that you can receive the proper help.
I realized a long time ago that I am not God. Due to this revelation I do not make it a practice of deciding who will and who will not make it to Heaven. It is important for all of us to understand that we do not know what is going on in someone's life or mind when they take their own life. I have no idea if the person is dealing with depression, anxiety, feels trapped, or thinks this is the only way to fix their problem. Since I do not have that information and since God does I will leave it to Him to determine where they spend their eternity. I would love to hear your comments about this.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Myths about Suicide
Suicide is one of those taboo topics that many people do not like to discuss. Death is a difficult topic to tackle, but when the person chooses to take their own life it brings up a lot of unanswered questions. I believe education in this area is the key to helping people who are having these thoughts. Let's look at some of the beliefs we have about suicide.
1) Suicide is always an impulsive act. The truth is that many people have spent days, weeks, and even months planning for their suicide. For whatever reason they want things to go a certain way when they end their life. This preparation is thoughtful and precise. It is only seen as impulsive because usually the one who commits suicide does not tell anyone that they have plans to do it.
2) Discussing suicide will cause the person to move toward doing it. Many people have already had it on their mind before it is discussed with them. Actually bringing up the topic will help them to voice their wishes and give someone else a chance to intervene.
3) A suicidal person who begins to share personal possessions is showing signs of getting better mentally. Many times the person is giving away prized possession because their mind is already made up that they are going to kill themselves. This is a sign that they do not need these possessions any more because they will not be around long.
4) People who threaten suicide don't do it. Anyone who threatens suicide needs to be taken seriously regardless if it is just for attention.
5) When a person has attempted suicide and is not successful the danger is now gone. The danger is now just beginning because many people attempt suicide multiple times before they are successful. It is has been noted that women attempt suicide three times more often than men, but men are four times more successful according to the CDC. This is usually because men take more aggressive methods.
6) People who commit suicide are insane. People who commit suicide are sick and need help. Most of them feel as if their life is out of control and that they do not have any options. They see suicide as a way of escaping their problems. This does not make them insane just lacking hope.
7) Suicide runs in families, it is an inherited tendency. There is no data that supports this view. It is possible that some families can have more suicides because the family deals with issues such as depression, anxiety, alcoholism, mental illness, etc, but this does not mean that it is biological.
Tommorrow we will look at a biblical view of suicide. Is suicide an unforgivable sin?
1) Suicide is always an impulsive act. The truth is that many people have spent days, weeks, and even months planning for their suicide. For whatever reason they want things to go a certain way when they end their life. This preparation is thoughtful and precise. It is only seen as impulsive because usually the one who commits suicide does not tell anyone that they have plans to do it.
2) Discussing suicide will cause the person to move toward doing it. Many people have already had it on their mind before it is discussed with them. Actually bringing up the topic will help them to voice their wishes and give someone else a chance to intervene.
3) A suicidal person who begins to share personal possessions is showing signs of getting better mentally. Many times the person is giving away prized possession because their mind is already made up that they are going to kill themselves. This is a sign that they do not need these possessions any more because they will not be around long.
4) People who threaten suicide don't do it. Anyone who threatens suicide needs to be taken seriously regardless if it is just for attention.
5) When a person has attempted suicide and is not successful the danger is now gone. The danger is now just beginning because many people attempt suicide multiple times before they are successful. It is has been noted that women attempt suicide three times more often than men, but men are four times more successful according to the CDC. This is usually because men take more aggressive methods.
6) People who commit suicide are insane. People who commit suicide are sick and need help. Most of them feel as if their life is out of control and that they do not have any options. They see suicide as a way of escaping their problems. This does not make them insane just lacking hope.
7) Suicide runs in families, it is an inherited tendency. There is no data that supports this view. It is possible that some families can have more suicides because the family deals with issues such as depression, anxiety, alcoholism, mental illness, etc, but this does not mean that it is biological.
Tommorrow we will look at a biblical view of suicide. Is suicide an unforgivable sin?
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Dealing With Our Past
People have a difficult time letting go of the past because they are held back by unfinished business. They may regret choices they have made or feel guilty about past actions. As long as guilt and regret are not resolved, it is difficult to move forward.
The Regret Epidemic
Regret is an emotion that feels similar to depression or sadness. It also feels like guilt, but it isn’t the same thing. Sometimes a wave of regret seems to come out of nowhere. You might become aware of it when you lose something or someone, or when you meet someone from your past. It is a common feeling in our culture for several reasons.
1. We have too many choices. Since we have so many options, there are many more opportunities to regret the paths we didn’t take.
Example: When Jamie was a senior at a major university, she interviewed with over 20 companies on campus. She was offered jobs in five different cities and had a difficult time choosing. In the end, she moved to Memphis and began an executive training program in a large company. A few years later, she began to wonder whether she had made the wrong choice. She thought she might have been better off in Kansas City, which had been her second choice. The regret leaves her feeling stuck and dissatisfied.
2. Endless possibilities. Another factor causing many of us to feel regret is that in the American culture, there is a belief that life has no limits. Our culture has an insatiable appetite for new experiences, adventure, and newness. When faced with the reality that certain things will not work out or change, we find it hard to accept.
Example: Tammie has turned 40. She has never married and has no children. She has always believed that “There is always tomorrow” and “I have plenty of time to make my mark.” But now, realizing that she may never be a mother and probably won’t be the CEO of her company, she is feeling like life has passed her by.
3. No rules. Along with all of these options, our lives have become confusing because there are few guidelines for what choices we should make.
Example: Many people feel compelled to continue on the ladder of success as long as they are being rewarded for it. When work becomes demanding and is no longer fun, it is hard to turn down promotions and pay increases in favor of less demanding, more satisfying work. People feel locked in to their career tracks and don’t know how to get off the treadmill.
4. We value self-sufficiency. Our American culture has always valued independence. Somehow, we all get the message that it is better if we achieve our goals on our own, without the help of anyone else. The problem is that when we cannot accept support from others, we become isolated. Living a completely self-sufficient life violates the basic human need for affiliation.
Example: Mike’s father, Sam, is 69. He is a widower and lives alone in an apartment in New York City. Mike left New York after finishing college and now lives in Florida. Sam’s friends are gradually moving to Florida, too. Mike has urged Sam to move to a nearby condominium, and has even taken him to see a few of them. He resists, saying that he doesn’t want to be a burden.
Meanwhile, Sam is becoming increasingly isolated and depressed. He sits in his New York apartment and remembers the sunny condo he saw in Miami a few years back. He is filled with regret but won’t change his mind. He feels like he has no choice but to remain independent and self-sufficient.
5. Constant comparisons. When we compare our lives with others, it’s easy to feel regret. Most of us expect ourselves to have it all together. We learn to act as if we are in control and compare ourselves with our friends, coworkers, neighbors, and the characters on television. When we don’t look as good as they do, we feel like failures. We have a list of “shoulds” inside our heads—things we expect ourselves to be able to do.
Guilt
Guilt is usually the result of aggressive acts, wishes, and thoughts. It usually results from violating a rule—either our own or someone else’s.
What to Do about Unfinished Business
If you want to move past the things in the past that are keeping you stuck—your unfinished business—you will need to acknowledge them and tell the truth about them. You don’t necessarily have to take any action; sometimes just writing or talking about it is enough to lessen its impact. You can write about it in a private journal or talk about it with a trusted friend, spiritual leader, or counselor. Here are some places to look for your unfinished business:
1. Risks I should have taken
2. People I treated badly
3. People who treated me badly
4. Not doing something I should have done
5. Messes I need to clean up (literally and metaphorically)
6. Things I need but haven’t allowed myself to have
7. Things I want to change
8. Things I want to stop doing
9. Feelings I have not expressed
10. Secrets I don’t want to keep any longer
The Regret Epidemic
Regret is an emotion that feels similar to depression or sadness. It also feels like guilt, but it isn’t the same thing. Sometimes a wave of regret seems to come out of nowhere. You might become aware of it when you lose something or someone, or when you meet someone from your past. It is a common feeling in our culture for several reasons.
1. We have too many choices. Since we have so many options, there are many more opportunities to regret the paths we didn’t take.
Example: When Jamie was a senior at a major university, she interviewed with over 20 companies on campus. She was offered jobs in five different cities and had a difficult time choosing. In the end, she moved to Memphis and began an executive training program in a large company. A few years later, she began to wonder whether she had made the wrong choice. She thought she might have been better off in Kansas City, which had been her second choice. The regret leaves her feeling stuck and dissatisfied.
2. Endless possibilities. Another factor causing many of us to feel regret is that in the American culture, there is a belief that life has no limits. Our culture has an insatiable appetite for new experiences, adventure, and newness. When faced with the reality that certain things will not work out or change, we find it hard to accept.
Example: Tammie has turned 40. She has never married and has no children. She has always believed that “There is always tomorrow” and “I have plenty of time to make my mark.” But now, realizing that she may never be a mother and probably won’t be the CEO of her company, she is feeling like life has passed her by.
3. No rules. Along with all of these options, our lives have become confusing because there are few guidelines for what choices we should make.
Example: Many people feel compelled to continue on the ladder of success as long as they are being rewarded for it. When work becomes demanding and is no longer fun, it is hard to turn down promotions and pay increases in favor of less demanding, more satisfying work. People feel locked in to their career tracks and don’t know how to get off the treadmill.
4. We value self-sufficiency. Our American culture has always valued independence. Somehow, we all get the message that it is better if we achieve our goals on our own, without the help of anyone else. The problem is that when we cannot accept support from others, we become isolated. Living a completely self-sufficient life violates the basic human need for affiliation.
Example: Mike’s father, Sam, is 69. He is a widower and lives alone in an apartment in New York City. Mike left New York after finishing college and now lives in Florida. Sam’s friends are gradually moving to Florida, too. Mike has urged Sam to move to a nearby condominium, and has even taken him to see a few of them. He resists, saying that he doesn’t want to be a burden.
Meanwhile, Sam is becoming increasingly isolated and depressed. He sits in his New York apartment and remembers the sunny condo he saw in Miami a few years back. He is filled with regret but won’t change his mind. He feels like he has no choice but to remain independent and self-sufficient.
5. Constant comparisons. When we compare our lives with others, it’s easy to feel regret. Most of us expect ourselves to have it all together. We learn to act as if we are in control and compare ourselves with our friends, coworkers, neighbors, and the characters on television. When we don’t look as good as they do, we feel like failures. We have a list of “shoulds” inside our heads—things we expect ourselves to be able to do.
Guilt
Guilt is usually the result of aggressive acts, wishes, and thoughts. It usually results from violating a rule—either our own or someone else’s.
What to Do about Unfinished Business
If you want to move past the things in the past that are keeping you stuck—your unfinished business—you will need to acknowledge them and tell the truth about them. You don’t necessarily have to take any action; sometimes just writing or talking about it is enough to lessen its impact. You can write about it in a private journal or talk about it with a trusted friend, spiritual leader, or counselor. Here are some places to look for your unfinished business:
1. Risks I should have taken
2. People I treated badly
3. People who treated me badly
4. Not doing something I should have done
5. Messes I need to clean up (literally and metaphorically)
6. Things I need but haven’t allowed myself to have
7. Things I want to change
8. Things I want to stop doing
9. Feelings I have not expressed
10. Secrets I don’t want to keep any longer
Thursday, February 22, 2007
The Problem with Pastoral Counseling
God has blessed me with the ability and opportunity to attend school for the purpose of being a professional counselor. I cherish the information and skills that I possess due to my training. I have been asked on several occasions why I would get a degree in professional counseling when a preacher should be able to deal with people's problems solely through the Bible. I do agree with their point, but disagree with their line of thought.
2 Peter 1:3 states "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." To refute that the Bible has all the answers for our life in Christ would be a pointless argument. I have full confidence in God's Word. I would never teach anyone to listen to any other authority except for the scriptures. My problem lies with the minister. There are too many ministers who are counseling people through the use of God's Word, but are not trained appropriately to deal with serious mental health issues. I have heard of people dealing with depression, anxiety, or some other psychological disorder and the minister decides that they do not have enough faith. In this example faith has nothing to do with it, but the right type of counseling does.
I firmly believe that we should use the Bible to deal with spiritual problems. My fear is that there are ministers and church members who are operating outside of their area of expertise and causing more problems for the people they seek to help. The church and the mental health community need each other desperately. There is a need for the meeting of the minds where each entity learns to respect what each group brings to the table so that people can get the best help that is out there. I am looking forward to the day when we strengthen our efforts in this area because the church will benefit in beautiful ways that will keep us healthy and better able to serve God.
2 Peter 1:3 states "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." To refute that the Bible has all the answers for our life in Christ would be a pointless argument. I have full confidence in God's Word. I would never teach anyone to listen to any other authority except for the scriptures. My problem lies with the minister. There are too many ministers who are counseling people through the use of God's Word, but are not trained appropriately to deal with serious mental health issues. I have heard of people dealing with depression, anxiety, or some other psychological disorder and the minister decides that they do not have enough faith. In this example faith has nothing to do with it, but the right type of counseling does.
I firmly believe that we should use the Bible to deal with spiritual problems. My fear is that there are ministers and church members who are operating outside of their area of expertise and causing more problems for the people they seek to help. The church and the mental health community need each other desperately. There is a need for the meeting of the minds where each entity learns to respect what each group brings to the table so that people can get the best help that is out there. I am looking forward to the day when we strengthen our efforts in this area because the church will benefit in beautiful ways that will keep us healthy and better able to serve God.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
The Simple Life
Life is way too busy! Most people say they want to simplify their lives because they feel like they have lost control of their time. They want to have more time to do the things they want to do, both at work and at home. Every few weeks, there is another newspaper or magazine story about how people feel that they aren’t spending their time on things they enjoy. A recent poll, for example, found that 65% of people are spending their free time doing things they’d rather not do. Isn’t that crazy? It’s great if you have created a full and interesting life for yourself, but how frustrating if you don’t have the time to enjoy it!
The 80/20 Principle
The 80/20 Principle, first stated by Vilfredo Pareto in 1897, says that 20% of our effort produces 80% of the results. This means that a small number of resources are highly productive—and a large number (80%) are not very productive at all. Here are a few examples:
• 20% of the things in your house are used 80% of the time.
• 80% of the things in your house are used 20% of the time.
• 20% of your activities give you 80% of your satisfaction.
The challenge is to identify those few vital items that produce the greatest value for you. Focus on the activities that result in satisfaction, such as your spiritual life, relationships, better health, or more free time. At the same time, identify those many trivial items that don’t lead to things like satisfaction, stronger spiritual life, better health, or more free time. These unprofitable activities are taking up 80% of your time. Doesn’t it make sense to deemphasize them in favor of the vital 20%?
Making Time Takes Time
The first challenge to simplifying your life is that it takes an investment of time. If you want to discover how to make time for the things you enjoy, you have to examine how you are spending your time now. If you keep living your life the same way you always have, it will stay complicated.
For some, the excuse, “I can’t slow down because everything is important,” is a way to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see: a relationship that is no longer fulfilling, a job that no longer satisfies, an emotional distance that has emerged between them and their family members. Some people keep their lives going at a furious pace to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see.
If you really do want to simplify your life, you will make the time. You don’t have to do anything radical; in fact, it is best to start small. Set aside just 30 minutes each day for a month. During that time, think about a simple question: What are the elements that contribute to my life feeling so complicated? Make a list of the factors in your private journal and write about them. Begin to think about what can be changed or eliminated.
Finding this time is not as impossible as it may seem at first. Maybe you can leave work 30 minutes early for a month and use the extra time for this exploration, possibly at home. Perhaps you can take the train instead of driving, or give up your exercise time for one month, or turn off the television during the evening news and write in your journal instead. Set aside 30 minutes a day for one month, ask yourself some important questions, and be prepared to learn some remarkable things about yourself.
Fewer Responsibilities
You may think that this sounds too simple. Most people who seek to simplify their lives think that the answer is to get more help. But this probably won’t help. In fact, if you hire someone to help you get more done, you will actually have added another complication to your life rather than making it simpler. You probably don’t need more help; you probably need fewer responsibilities.
Learn to Say No
If you want a simpler life, you must learn to say no. In Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter, author Elaine St. James says that people get into trouble because they agree to do things they really don’t have time to do. This leads to a constant state of being overcommitted and frustrated. Our culture makes it difficult for us to say no to requests to attend extra meetings, dinner engagements, or to take on new responsibilities. Many of us feel obligated to always be participating at a high level. We are proud of our high productivity and involvement, but it comes with a high price: a complicated life that leaves to time for you. St. James suggests that you actually schedule time for yourself on your calendar at the beginning of every month; when you are invited to participate in something, turn down the request because you already have a commitment.
Clear Away Clutter
Get rid of things you don’t use. Think of all the stuff you have acquired in the past five or 10 years. Most of it is designed to make life simpler, but in fact most of it brings along its own set of complications. Think of what typically happens when you buy a new electronic gadget: Consider all of the time required to earn the money to pay for it, shop for it, buy it, set it up, learn how to use it, fix the unexpected problems it causes with another gadget, and then the time you spend actually using it. Most of us have rooms in our houses filled with stuff that seemed like a good idea at the time, but ends up sitting on a shelf or in a drawer, unused. St. James suggests that you go through your house once each year and get rid of everything you haven’t used during the previous year.
She also has an idea for not acquiring new stuff in the first place. She suggests a technique called the 30-Day List. When you start thinking that you must have a certain product, add it to your 30-Day List and wait. At the end of 30 days, ask yourself if you really still need it. Chances are, you will have lost your enthusiasm for the product and will cross it off the list.
The 80/20 Principle
The 80/20 Principle, first stated by Vilfredo Pareto in 1897, says that 20% of our effort produces 80% of the results. This means that a small number of resources are highly productive—and a large number (80%) are not very productive at all. Here are a few examples:
• 20% of the things in your house are used 80% of the time.
• 80% of the things in your house are used 20% of the time.
• 20% of your activities give you 80% of your satisfaction.
The challenge is to identify those few vital items that produce the greatest value for you. Focus on the activities that result in satisfaction, such as your spiritual life, relationships, better health, or more free time. At the same time, identify those many trivial items that don’t lead to things like satisfaction, stronger spiritual life, better health, or more free time. These unprofitable activities are taking up 80% of your time. Doesn’t it make sense to deemphasize them in favor of the vital 20%?
Making Time Takes Time
The first challenge to simplifying your life is that it takes an investment of time. If you want to discover how to make time for the things you enjoy, you have to examine how you are spending your time now. If you keep living your life the same way you always have, it will stay complicated.
For some, the excuse, “I can’t slow down because everything is important,” is a way to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see: a relationship that is no longer fulfilling, a job that no longer satisfies, an emotional distance that has emerged between them and their family members. Some people keep their lives going at a furious pace to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see.
If you really do want to simplify your life, you will make the time. You don’t have to do anything radical; in fact, it is best to start small. Set aside just 30 minutes each day for a month. During that time, think about a simple question: What are the elements that contribute to my life feeling so complicated? Make a list of the factors in your private journal and write about them. Begin to think about what can be changed or eliminated.
Finding this time is not as impossible as it may seem at first. Maybe you can leave work 30 minutes early for a month and use the extra time for this exploration, possibly at home. Perhaps you can take the train instead of driving, or give up your exercise time for one month, or turn off the television during the evening news and write in your journal instead. Set aside 30 minutes a day for one month, ask yourself some important questions, and be prepared to learn some remarkable things about yourself.
Fewer Responsibilities
You may think that this sounds too simple. Most people who seek to simplify their lives think that the answer is to get more help. But this probably won’t help. In fact, if you hire someone to help you get more done, you will actually have added another complication to your life rather than making it simpler. You probably don’t need more help; you probably need fewer responsibilities.
Learn to Say No
If you want a simpler life, you must learn to say no. In Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter, author Elaine St. James says that people get into trouble because they agree to do things they really don’t have time to do. This leads to a constant state of being overcommitted and frustrated. Our culture makes it difficult for us to say no to requests to attend extra meetings, dinner engagements, or to take on new responsibilities. Many of us feel obligated to always be participating at a high level. We are proud of our high productivity and involvement, but it comes with a high price: a complicated life that leaves to time for you. St. James suggests that you actually schedule time for yourself on your calendar at the beginning of every month; when you are invited to participate in something, turn down the request because you already have a commitment.
Clear Away Clutter
Get rid of things you don’t use. Think of all the stuff you have acquired in the past five or 10 years. Most of it is designed to make life simpler, but in fact most of it brings along its own set of complications. Think of what typically happens when you buy a new electronic gadget: Consider all of the time required to earn the money to pay for it, shop for it, buy it, set it up, learn how to use it, fix the unexpected problems it causes with another gadget, and then the time you spend actually using it. Most of us have rooms in our houses filled with stuff that seemed like a good idea at the time, but ends up sitting on a shelf or in a drawer, unused. St. James suggests that you go through your house once each year and get rid of everything you haven’t used during the previous year.
She also has an idea for not acquiring new stuff in the first place. She suggests a technique called the 30-Day List. When you start thinking that you must have a certain product, add it to your 30-Day List and wait. At the end of 30 days, ask yourself if you really still need it. Chances are, you will have lost your enthusiasm for the product and will cross it off the list.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Dealing with the Holiday Blues
Not everyone shares in the celebration and joy associated with the holidays. Many people feel stressed and unhappy in response to the demands of shopping for gifts, spending large amounts of money, attending parties and family gatherings, and entertaining houseguests. It is not uncommon to react to these stresses with excessive drinking and eating, difficulty sleeping, and physical complaints. The holiday blues are a common result. If you experience reactions like these during the holidays, you are not alone. Let’s take a look at what causes the holiday blues and what you can do about them.
What Causes the Holiday Blues?
Fear of disappointing others. Some people fear disappointing their loved ones during the holidays. Even though they can’t afford to spend a lot of money on gifts, some people feel so obligated to come through with a fancy gift that they spend more than they can afford.
Expecting gifts to improve relationships. Giving someone a nice present won’t necessarily strengthen a friendship or romantic relationship. When your gifts don’t produce the reactions you had hoped for, you may feel let down.
Anniversary reactions. If someone important to you passed away or left you during a past holiday season, you may become depressed as the anniversary approaches.
Bad memories. For some families, the holidays are times of chaos and confusion. This is especially true in families where people have substance abuse problems or dysfunctional ways of relating to each other. If this was true in your family in past years, you may always carry memories of the disappointment and upheaval that came with the holidays. Even though things may be better now, it is difficult to forget the times when your holidays were ruined by substance abuse and family dysfunction.
It could be SAD. People who live in northern states may experience depression during the winter because of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD results from fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter during the winter months.
Strategies for Dealing with the Holiday Blues
While the holiday blues are usually temporary, these ideas can help make this year’s holiday experience more pleasant and less stressful.
Be realistic.
Don’t expect the holiday season to solve all past problems. The forced cheerfulness of the holiday season cannot ward off sadness or loneliness.
Drink less alcohol.
Even though drinking alcohol gives you a temporary feeling of well-being, it is a depressant and never makes anything better.
Give yourself permission not to feel cheerful.
Accept how you are feeling. If you have recently experienced a loss, you can’t expect yourself to put on a happy face. Tell others how you are feeling and what you need.
Have a spending limit and stick to it.
Look for holiday activities that are free, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations. Go window-shopping without purchasing anything. Look for ways to show people you care without spending a lot.
Be honest.
Express your feelings to those around you in a constructive, honest, and open way. If you need to confront someone with a problem, begin your sentences with “I feel.”
Look for sources of support.
Learn about offerings at mental health centers, churches, and synagogues. Many of these have special support groups, workshops, and other activities designed to help people deal with the holiday blues.
Give yourself special care.
Schedule times to relax and pamper yourself. Take a warm bath or spend an evening with a good book.
Set limits and priorities.
Be realistic about what you will be able to accomplish. Prepare a To-Do list to help you arrange your priorities.
Volunteer your time.
If you are troubled because you won’t be seeing your family, volunteer to work at a hospital or food bank. Volunteering can help raise your spirits by turning your focus to people who are less fortunate than you are.
Get some exercise.
Exercise has a positive impact on depression because it boosts serotonin levels. Try to get some type of exercise at least twice each week.
After the Holidays
For some people, holiday blues continue into the new year. This is often caused by leftover feelings of disappointment during the holiday season and being physically exhausted. The blues also happen for some people because the start of a new year is a time of reflection, which can produce anxiety.
Is It More than Just the Holiday Blues?
Clinical depression is more than just feeling sad for a few weeks. The symptoms generally include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, having less interest in daily activities, difficulty concentrating, and a general feeling of hopelessness.
Clinical depression requires professional treatment. If you are concerned that a friend or relative may be suffering from more than just holiday blues, you should express your concerns. If the person expresses thoughts of worthlessness or suicide, it is important to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional.
For further information, visit these web sites:
American Psychological Association: www.apa.org
National Depressive and Manic-Depressive Association: www.ndmda.org
National Mental Health Association: www.nmha.org
What Causes the Holiday Blues?
Fear of disappointing others. Some people fear disappointing their loved ones during the holidays. Even though they can’t afford to spend a lot of money on gifts, some people feel so obligated to come through with a fancy gift that they spend more than they can afford.
Expecting gifts to improve relationships. Giving someone a nice present won’t necessarily strengthen a friendship or romantic relationship. When your gifts don’t produce the reactions you had hoped for, you may feel let down.
Anniversary reactions. If someone important to you passed away or left you during a past holiday season, you may become depressed as the anniversary approaches.
Bad memories. For some families, the holidays are times of chaos and confusion. This is especially true in families where people have substance abuse problems or dysfunctional ways of relating to each other. If this was true in your family in past years, you may always carry memories of the disappointment and upheaval that came with the holidays. Even though things may be better now, it is difficult to forget the times when your holidays were ruined by substance abuse and family dysfunction.
It could be SAD. People who live in northern states may experience depression during the winter because of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD results from fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter during the winter months.
Strategies for Dealing with the Holiday Blues
While the holiday blues are usually temporary, these ideas can help make this year’s holiday experience more pleasant and less stressful.
Be realistic.
Don’t expect the holiday season to solve all past problems. The forced cheerfulness of the holiday season cannot ward off sadness or loneliness.
Drink less alcohol.
Even though drinking alcohol gives you a temporary feeling of well-being, it is a depressant and never makes anything better.
Give yourself permission not to feel cheerful.
Accept how you are feeling. If you have recently experienced a loss, you can’t expect yourself to put on a happy face. Tell others how you are feeling and what you need.
Have a spending limit and stick to it.
Look for holiday activities that are free, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations. Go window-shopping without purchasing anything. Look for ways to show people you care without spending a lot.
Be honest.
Express your feelings to those around you in a constructive, honest, and open way. If you need to confront someone with a problem, begin your sentences with “I feel.”
Look for sources of support.
Learn about offerings at mental health centers, churches, and synagogues. Many of these have special support groups, workshops, and other activities designed to help people deal with the holiday blues.
Give yourself special care.
Schedule times to relax and pamper yourself. Take a warm bath or spend an evening with a good book.
Set limits and priorities.
Be realistic about what you will be able to accomplish. Prepare a To-Do list to help you arrange your priorities.
Volunteer your time.
If you are troubled because you won’t be seeing your family, volunteer to work at a hospital or food bank. Volunteering can help raise your spirits by turning your focus to people who are less fortunate than you are.
Get some exercise.
Exercise has a positive impact on depression because it boosts serotonin levels. Try to get some type of exercise at least twice each week.
After the Holidays
For some people, holiday blues continue into the new year. This is often caused by leftover feelings of disappointment during the holiday season and being physically exhausted. The blues also happen for some people because the start of a new year is a time of reflection, which can produce anxiety.
Is It More than Just the Holiday Blues?
Clinical depression is more than just feeling sad for a few weeks. The symptoms generally include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, having less interest in daily activities, difficulty concentrating, and a general feeling of hopelessness.
Clinical depression requires professional treatment. If you are concerned that a friend or relative may be suffering from more than just holiday blues, you should express your concerns. If the person expresses thoughts of worthlessness or suicide, it is important to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional.
For further information, visit these web sites:
American Psychological Association: www.apa.org
National Depressive and Manic-Depressive Association: www.ndmda.org
National Mental Health Association: www.nmha.org
Friday, December 01, 2006
Little ole me is a NCC
I got a letter today that informed me that I am a fully certified National Ceritified Counselor by the National Board of Certified Counselors. The National Board for Certified Counselors (NBCC) is the nation's premiere professional certification board devoted to credentialing counselors who meet standards for the general and specialty practices of professional counseling.
This is a goal that I have been working towards for the past three years. I am extremely excited about this achievement.
National Certified Counselors (NCCs) all have master’s degrees. Required coursework includes psychotherapeutic theories and techniques, diagnosis and treatment planning, group therapy, and assessment. Supervised practica and internships in therapeutic work with clients is also required. The NCC credential assures counselor competence in all the areas that are essential for mental health service providers.
There are more than 38,000 NCCs working in every state in the US. NCCs serve an estimated half million clients each year. The NCC Registry at (www.nbcc.org) offers easy access to NCCs and can be searched by counselor location, name or certificate number. NBCC’s Counselor Find feature offers the same access to NCCs who accept referrals and provides their business city, state and phone.
It is my prayer that I can use this certification along with my professional counseling license to better minister to my congregation and others in my community.
There are more than 38,000 NCCs working in every state in the US. NCCs serve an estimated half million clients each year. The NCC Registry at (www.nbcc.org) offers easy access to NCCs and can be searched by counselor location, name or certificate number. NBCC’s Counselor Find feature offers the same access to NCCs who accept referrals and provides their business city, state and phone.
It is my prayer that I can use this certification along with my professional counseling license to better minister to my congregation and others in my community.
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