The Ministry of Teaching

On Monday I will start my second year teaching Bible and Counseling at Harding University. This is by far the greatest job in the world! I get the opportunity everyday to talk to people about their current and future marriages. I get to discuss how to communicate and deal with conflict better. I feel it a privilege to be in this position because I have some influence on marriages and families throughout this country.

It saddens me to hear about the divorces, neglect, and pain that many families go through. I believe that if most people had the opportunity to learn some basics about how to be in a relationship with someone else then our families would be so much stronger. I know that I am not perfect, but I enjoy being able to share from my own mistakes so that others will not have to experience similar situations.

I pray that I can be an example through my own family and show people the glorious plan that God has for each of our families.

Please pray for this ministry and the lives that I come in contact with everyday.

Why Did I Get Married (Part Three)

What does a contract marriage look like? Contract marriage bases the security and stability of the marriage on the ability of people not to sin. As long as neither one of us mess up then we can stay together, but once someone sins then it is time for a divorce. I would compare this relationship to my contract that I currently have with AT & T. They both have three characteristics in common:

1)Made for a limited period of time
I signed a two year contract with my cell phone company. During this two year period we are STUCK together. If I decided to leave then there are steep penalties that must be paid. In a contract marriage we look at the relationship from a short-term perspective. I will stay with you only until something better comes along.

There are now places considering a seven year marriage. In this relationship you cannot divorce unless their is sexual immorality or spousal abuse. Outside these two 'deal breakers' you are bound to your spouse for seven years. Once the seven years is up you have the choice to sign a new contract or go on your separate ways. Some say this is the way to go, but I do not believe this is what God intended marriage to look like.

2) Each party is bound to specific responsibilities
With my cell phone company I am responsible for paying my bill every month. If I choose not to pay it then they will discontinue my service. When I am paying my bill they are bound to providing service for me. These responsibilities are outlined in very small print on the contract that was given to me. It is my responsibility to know what is expected of me because AT & T will hold me to it even if I do not read the fine print.

In a contract marriage both spouses are expecting certain things from each other (communication, companionship, intimacy, etc.) What happens when one spouse does not 'keep up their end of the deal'? Do I have the right to divorce them because they have broken the contract? I would surely hope not! Each of us daily do not live up to the expectations of our spouse. There will be times when we are not as kind or forgiving as the other one is expecting. Do we just call it quits when this happens or should we actually try to work through our problems?

3) Entered into for one’s own benefit
I don't send money to AT & T every month because I am in love with the company. I pay them money because I am getting a good deal. Once I feel like I am not getting a good deal anymore then I am going to start looking for another company to handle my phone calls. In a contract marriage each spouse is looking out for their own needs. Once my needs are not being met then it is time to find someone else who can do that for me. This is nothing short of being selfish!

I can imagine someone reading this thinking 'What is the big deal?! Isn't it my own business how I approach my marriage?' The answer to that question is a resounding 'Yes' but if I claim to be a Christian then I must view my marriage as something much different than a contract. The contract seems to be appealing to most, but it does not lead to commitment.

So where do we go next? I believe we must next take a look at the implications of a covenant marriage and the benefits we can gain from it.

Why Did I Get Married? (Part Two)

So what makes a Christian marriage different from other marriages? I have heard the following answers "Two Christians who love God" "Couple that goes to church together" "We read our Bible together and pray regularly" I believe those are great attributes to have in a relationship, but is that all that makes us different? The reason that this question is important is that Christians are getting divorced just a quick as those who do not follow God. Why is that? If my neighbor is not a Christian and my marriage looks no different than theirs then there is something wrong with my marriage.

There is a concept that is presented several times throughout Scripture that embodies what God wants for each of our marriages. This concept is called 'covenant'. Covenant can be described as an official acknowledgement of God's promises to man and man's intent to accept and be obedient to God's promises and commandments. There are several Scripture throughout the Bible that discusses covenant.

In Genesis 9:8-17, God makes a covenant through and with Noah that He would never again flood the Earth. In this covenant God makes a permanent promise to man that He would not break regardless of what they did. God does not ask man to do anything but accept the covenant. We can have confidence that the world will not be destroyed by water because of the trust we have in the promises of God.

In Genesis 12:1-7 we see God calling Abram to "leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." God promises to make Him into a great nation and to bless his name. Abram's part of this covenant was to simply leave and follow God. The passage does not tell of Abram's relationship with God prior to this point, but Abram does this and God blesses him. Once again confidence is a part of this relationship because of the trust that was present.

Imagine a relationship where two people trusted each other and God enough that they make a promise to stay together forever. Some would say that doesn't make sense. This type of relationship could be too risky because the other person may change their mind or not do their part. What would you do then? I am convinced that a marriage based on covenant would tend to outlast any other type of marriage because the focus is put on God and working toward keeping your promise. If I am basing the security of my marriage on the ability of my partner not to sin or mess up then I have a relationship that is a contract.

Tomorrow I want to discuss what a contract marriage looks like and how it is not something that no one should desire.

Why Did I Get Married? (Part One)

In 2007, the great Tyler Perry wrote and produced a movie called Why Did I Get Married? This movie follows the story of four couples and the relationship issues that they are going through. This film gives a realistic viewpoint on the problems of married life and how we can sometimes grow apart. If you have not seen the movie it is worth the rental fee. It is PG-13 so go to www.screenit.com to get a complete review before you rent it.

I believe this is a great question for all married people to consider, why did you get married? When I do premarital counseling I always ask the couples this question. The responses are usually predictable, but always funny. "I love her" "He completes me" "It just feels right" "She is cute" "He makes me happy" The reasons go on and on! These reason are not necessarily wrong, but I believe there are many others factors that should come into play.

This month I am conducting a marriage seminar in North Little Rock, AR at the Lynch Road Church of Christ. We will be answering the same question, why did I get married? There will be five areas of concern that we will look at in order to answer this question:
1) To Have a Distinctively Christian Marriage
2) To Live in Submission to God
3) To Communicate My Needs
4) To Live in Peace
5) To Share Intimacy With My Spouse

I will be blogging about each of these topics during the month of May.

I hope you will join me on Tuesday when I will begin discussing what makes a Christian marriage distinctively different.

Preparing for Marriage

The following statistics are from the Life Innovations Group:

• Premarital preparation can reduce divorce rate by 30%. (Stanley, Amato, Johnson & Markman,2006)

• Couples who participate in a premarital program significantly increased their
couple satisfaction. In a recent outcome study, couples improved in 10 out of 13
relationship categories. (Knutson & Olson, 2003)

It has been my practice for several years now that I will not marry anyone unless they had received premarital counseling. I have received some flack for this decision, but am thoroughly convinced that wavering in this area will not benefit anyone.

I have repeatedly seen couples rush into marriage because they "love" each other, but will not take the time to have some prepatory counseling. I do not understand why so much time is spent planning that one day when little effort is put out to secure a marriage that is supposed to last a lifetime.

We quickly forget that marriage, although a spiritual ceremony, is also a legal matter. Judges have been performing weddings for years and always will. You can even go out to Vegas to have Elvis to marry you if you so choose. I say this because having a marriage in a church is not a right, but a priviledge. If this is the case then the church or minister should have the right to make stipulations when it comes to whether or not couples can be married there.

The most important aspect we should never forget is that marriage is serious matter. Outside of becoming a Christian it is the most important decision anyone can make. If it is that important shouldn't we take the time to prepare for it properly so that we give our marriages a chance to make it?

Benefits of Marriage

Life Innovations, the creator of the Prepare/Enrich curriculum, has just released some interesting Marriage and Family Facts that they have found from their research.

I want to share some today about the benefits of marriage and look at more of this information later this week.

Benefits of Marriage

• Married people live longer than unmarried or divorced people. Nonmarried women have 50% higher mortality rates than married women and nonmarried men have a 250% higher rate than married men. (Waite & Gallagher, 2000)

• Married people are happier than single, widowed, or cohabiting people. About 40% of married people report being very happy with their lives, whereas only 18% of divorced people, 15% of separated people, and only 22% of widowed and 22% of cohabiting people report being very happy. (Waite & Gallagher, 2000)

• Married people have more sex and a better quality sexual relationship than do single, divorced or cohabiting individuals. (Waite & Gallagher, 2000)

• Married people are more successful in their careers, earn more, and have more wealth than single, divorced or cohabiting individuals. (Waite & Gallagher, 2000; Antonovics & Town, 2004)

• Children from homes where the parents are married tend to be more academically successful, more emotionally stable, and more often assume leadership roles. (Waite & Gallagher, 2000; Manning & Lamb, 2003)

• Adolescents living with their biological parents are less likely to have sexual intercourse. (Pearson, Frisco, 2006; Sieving, Eisenberg, Pettingell, & Skay, 2006)


• Adolescents living with both biological parents exhibit lower levels of problem behavior than peers from any other family type. (Carlson, 2006)

• Males whose parents never married are significantly less likely to marry and more
likely to cheat on their romantic partners. (Colman & Widon, 2004)

There is so much talk about marriages being in trouble that I had to share some positive aspects for us to think about. Now I am not suggesting that you should get married just because the statistics are favorable for being married, but there are too many benefits that some are missing out on because they do not stick with their marriage vows. I am a firm believer that if each person approaches marriage seriously and prayerfully then the results from it would be overwhelmingly positive.

There is constantly debate on how we can make our communitives more positive. I believe the answer is found in couples staying committed to and working on their marriages so that their children will be given a good example to follow. This is one area that each of us can improve in.

Recovering from an Affair (Part Two)

Recovery Strategies

Even though infidelity has a devastating impact on marriages, many do survive. Let’s look at what it takes for a relationship to recover.

If You Were Unfaithful

If you had the affair and want to save your marriage:

1. Stop the affair and tell the truth about it.
2. Make the choice to practice fidelity.
3. Understand your partner’s need to ask questions and understand what happened.
4. Spend plenty of time with your family.
5. Find a therapist and explore what has happened in your marriage.
6. Expect to reassure your partner of your commitment to the marriage.
7. Listen carefully to your partner and accept his or her feelings and thoughts.
8. Admit that you were wrong. Admit everything and let it all out.
9. Make amends. Identify what it would take for you to obtain forgiveness. Then, do it.

If Your Partner Was Unfaithful

If your partner had the affair and you want to save your marriage:

1. Acknowledge your anger and express it productively.
2. Be aware of distorted thoughts that may fuel your anger.
3. Watch out for negative beliefs that may make it harder for you to heal your relationship.
4. Find a way to explore and express your feelings, such as writing in a journal or working with a professional therapist.
5. Explore the advantages and disadvantages of saving your marriage.
6. Establish a safe environment where you can learn about what happened.
7. When you are ready, create a ritual for letting go of the anger and forgiving.

Prevention Steps

Finally, what are some things you can do to protect your marriage and keep it from becoming an infidelity statistic?
1. Pay attention to your partner. Be aware of his or her needs and do your best to meet them.
2. Think about how you behaved when you were trying to win your partner over. Do the same things now.
3. Make time for each other.
4. Look for opportunities to talk and listen.
5. Be thoughtful and romantic. Send cards, flowers, gifts.
6. Avoid high-risk situations. Discuss these with your partner and ask him or her to do the same.
7. Be polite to your partner.
8. Say nice things about your partner, in public and in private.
9. Spend regular private time together.
10.Greet your partner when he or she comes home.
11. Show that you are glad to see your partner. Be energized and pleasant.
12. Recommit to your values. Make the decision to live in keeping with what you believe is right.
13. Accept that you are responsible for your own well-being.
14. Be proactive about nurturing your marriage. This relationship is your most important investment; give it the time and attention it deserves.
15. Look for ways to express appreciation and respect.
16. Think of ways to enhance your partner’s self-esteem.

An affair can happen to anyone, but it is possible to recover if both partners are willing to commit to the process. I hope that these suggestions will lead your marriage to peace if an affair has occurred. God blessings be with you all.

Recovering from an Affair (Part One)

Infidelity is more common than most people realize. In fact, it is estimated that 60% of men and 40% of women today will have an extramarital affair during their marriage. People who are Christians are just as likely to have an affair as non Christians. In this blog, I will explore the forces that lead to infidelity and what must happen for couples to heal.

Forms of Infidelity

Infidelity takes many forms. Some people have sequential affairs—a series of one-night stands or short affairs. These affairs involve very little emotional investment and may be rationalized as harmless. There is always the danger of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. When such behavior continues for several years and finally is discovered, it is difficult to heal the years of deceit.
Other affairs are discrete events. These also involve minimal emotional investment.
Sometimes affairs last longer and become more serious. These affairs may be quite romantic and sexual. Sometimes they grow into more serious relationships and may last for years.

Why Affairs Happen

Infidelity happens for many reasons. Here are a few of the common explanations (I do not necessarily agree with these reasons, but have heard them before):

1. An affair may be a response to a crisis such as the death of someone important, moving to a new city, a job change, or some other kind of life transition.
2. Sometimes people become bored with their partners and seek sexual or emotional excitement with someone new. The new person seems to supply the excitement that has been missing.
3. Stressful times in the family life cycle lead some to seek escape in an affair. This includes things like taking care of aging parents, raising teenagers, and becoming new parents.
4. People sometimes look for outside relationships because their expectations of marriage have not been satisfied.
5. Some people seek outside relationships when their partners are emotionally unavailable because of illness.
6. Other people begin affairs because they seek more affection than their partner can provide.
7. Other people seek professional or social advancement.

There are also many social reasons why affairs happen: factors that exist in our society that lead many of us to expect a fantasy version of marriage that could never really exist. When marriage doesn’t live up to this expectation, some keep looking for it outside of marriage.

Common Reactions to Infidelity

People who are involved in relationships in which their partner has been unfaithful say they have a wide range of reactions. These are a few of the common ones:
1. A physical reaction, such as feeling like you have been punched in the stomach.
2. Denying that anything is wrong.
3. Blaming yourself (I didn’t pay enough attention to her; I wasn’t sexy enough for him; I let myself get too fat, etc.).
4. Blaming your partner (I can’t believe anything she says)
5. Blaming the relationship (We were too young; We were wrong for each other; We had different values, etc.).
6. Blaming the lover (It’s all his fault; If it weren’t for him); transferring anger from one’s spouse to one’s lover.

Other Consequences of Infidelity

In addition to the emotional impact of infidelity, there may also be other consequences: sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, problems at work, and loss of relationships.

In my next blog I will discuss recovery strategies and steps to prevent an affair in your marriage.